Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Home Shopping

47:265:18:21:23                       19:54                       44:119:6:45:45

"Welcome back to the program. Next up we have this one-of-a-kind item, only 999 more in stock. This is an authentic Alabrascan Cloak of Invisibility. Notice the seamless stitching, the craftsmanship. now, you just slip it over your head and--voila! I'm invisible! There are a hundred practical appli--let me just slip this off here--a hundred applications for a cloak of invisibility. Need to get out of work early, or perhaps you wanna know whose always stealing the last cookie from the cookie jar? My wife knows what I'm talking about. Right? I love you, Sabrina."

47:265:18:34:58                       20:07                       44:119:6:32:10

"Let's say you really want to know where all those cookies are going, but maybe the cloak of invisibility wasn't for you. Well, we have the perfect thing up next. This little guy is the Ring of Truth, and we have just under 1200 available right now. Quite simple, you put this on someone--I'll use my own hand here so you can get a look at how this fits--that's nice, isn't it? Watch the eye open, that's how you know it's working. Anyone wearing this ring, and that includes me right at this moment, is compelled to tell the truth. It's that simple. I cannot tell a lie! And I can't lie that we have some wonderful bargains coming up in the next hour for you, from the Dwarf Mines of Ilzarach to the Elvish treesmiths of Farandanare. So stay right..ha...stay right with us. That's...that's a little tight. That's a little tight, I'm not gonna lie. I can't lie! Always check your ring sizes, people? If you're buying this or any magical artifact for a loved one, be sure to always...yeah, that's on there good. Ok! I'm getting the wave from my producer Cornelius. You're a gentleman and a scholar, Cornelius. And I must mean that! Moving right along to

47:265:18:35:28                       20:09                       44:119:6:30:40

"item 4523, this is a collection of potions from the Gnomish Guild of Apothecaries. It's a potion kit! All you need to start your beginner's course in the pharmacological arts. There's a strength potion here, one for speed, here's one to help you see in the dark. Sorry, fellas, no love potions! Hah! Hah. Just, you know, your standard virility. In case, well, in case you've been getting complaints. And it's a good job too if you are! That is, you know, communication is key, and it's a good job if you're talking these things out rather, than, hey, it's like I always say, talk it out, don't step out! We could put that on a bumper sticker. How 'bout that? Anyway, so this, look at this high quality bag these gems come in. Zero in on that. An individualized pouch for each of your tinctures and herbs. Mind you, I say 'high quality' but when it comes to Gnomes...Right, I'm getting the wave again! Sorry about that, folks! Cornelius likes to keep me on task, not sidetracking into things, let's be honest, everyone knows to be true--But hey, that's not what we're here for. If you check out the link on your screen, you can find a full inventory of potions available with this fine purchase. I  highly recommend the virility potion. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about."

47:265:18:37:18                       20:11                       44:119:6:28:50

"But why worry about all that when you can play with your wand! I'm kidding, of course, which is a thing you can still do under a truth ring, it's just...sometimes uncomfortable. We have an excellent wand to show you here, this is authentic oak from the Twilight Forest of Oldhamshire. Perfectly shattered here out of the aged oak and programmed with more than 15 different custom spells. Folks, that's right, if you call within the next fifteen minutes, our Elvish spellsingers will impart 15 spells that you can select from more than 100 different options, from your basics like Illuminate! or Detect Magic, to your more complicated like Summon Fire (remember you must have a Class F or above Summoner's License) and Flight. Oh, Flight. Remember those winged boots we saw earlier in the program, ladies and gentlemen? How about flying, that sense of rising above it all. just free. free of your job, of your wife, your bills. Free of all those suspicions that nag you on your day to day. Just close your eyes and try to imagine it with me. Close your eyes. Then open, then call us, over Phone or Internet or Astralling, to summon your very own Twilight Oak Wand." 

47:265:19:02:57                       20:36                       44:119:6:05:01

"Up next we have a rare treat, built by the ravensmiths of Volcano Vale. You've seen these on TV. You probably know someone who has one, even. I have one, and let me tell changes your life. The ravensmiths are expert clock makers, and the Destiny Clock is their most...formidable creation. There are three faces, as you can see. In the middle, ordinary, right? That's your time of day. The left face, that's how long, right down to the second, that you've been on this Earth. And the right face, now that's the one that gets people's attention. You can see this clock's a little worn around the edges, a little banged up. This is not a show piece, so don't worry, folks. Yours will arrive in perfect shape. That finish, that's real cherry wood. This is actually my own clock, from home. That's right, ladies and gentlemen! I own one of these beauties. It was a gift. The smiths tell me a new clock, it tunes right to the first owner, so nobody who isn't a giant, immortal raven from the dawn of time is handling your clock before you do. What you're all taking a gander at on the right face, is my own countdown clock. If it'll read on your screens there, that's the exact number of years and days and hours left in my life. Long time, huh? Kind of wonder what you do, with all that time. One thing--one thing they tell you is these clocks are great for instilling a sense of urgency to your ambitions. They like to remind you that nothing spurs on someone so much as a deadline and nothing works quite as well for a deadline than a line that tells you when you're dead. I gotta tell you--and Cornelius is giving me that look again. I gotta tell you that's not been my experience. My experience is, you tget this thing home--and it's a breeze to set up, folks--and you see that number and high or low, that number takes over your mind.

"Maybe you already have more time on the left than you have, well, left. So you start to panic. Maybe you still have ages. See mine, it's just about even. I'm 47. That means I'll still be around at 90, 91. Something like that. All those years. You just watch them move from one clock to the other. You go to work, you come home and the clock has changed. You sleep and its faces change. What are you supposed to do? I stare at it every day. sometimes for yours. I know how useless, how futile that sounds. I know, and I still do it. Getting the signal from Cornelius again, don't know if the clock counts in angry hand signals, but I guess we've wracked up a lot tonight, folks! Folks, I've got this Ring of Truth still, so you know we've been on the level here at the program. Get something else. ge something else with your hard-earned gold. Dwarven fire-glass, we have some excellent pieces still in stock, you don' don't want to be watching the clock while your life falls apart. Y ou dn't want to be watching the clock while you wonder where your wife could be at these ungodly hours. You don't want to compare the minutes in your grisly abacus to some other person's, to your father's. You really don't want to get one of these as a gift.

"But, hey! What do I know! Folks, maybe this is the thing for you. Cornelius sure seems to think it is, and we have 500 of them, and let me tell you, it's a bargain, the price on your screen right now. Anyway, I'd better change my tune here. Cornelius is giving me that special wave, the one that means I've been fired, but they don't have anyone to replace me, do they? Because where is Simon, Cornelius? Where is he?"

47:265:19:05:29                       20:38                       44:119:6:02:31

"Next we have a very rare, exclusive, limited-edition piece, really a lovely find. This is one of our rarer and more...interesting pieces. Great for home defense. this is an enchanted dagger from the Blackburn Mountains. Very beautiful, as you can see. Note the rubies there, genuine aetheric rubies, part of the enchantment bundle. See, the great thing about this dagger, this dagger right here, is you can actually STAB! someone--multiple times, in the heart, say, or in the back, my w--well, so you draw out the knife and vwoop! Wound closes. No damage, nothing on the surface except the memory you've been hurt. Now, I know it sounds too good to be true, but look at me! I've got a Ring of Truth! So maybe you're thinking, Oh, he put that on for a stunt, it doesn't really work, well, I'm surprised at you! After all we've been through! (Hah. Hah.) Now how's about I show you? How's about that, Sabrina? Want to know how it feels to be stabbed through the heart? Just watch!"

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