Thursday, March 18, 2010

And then it hit me

If St. Patrick's Day is essentially a celebration of the broadest, most negative of stereotypes about the Irish, suppose we expand on this? For example:

St. Patrick is also the Patron Saint of Nigeria, so next March 17th, try and commit as much Internet fraud as possible.

May 3rd. Take May 3rd off. It's the feast day of St. James the Lesser, patron saint of Paraguay. Nobody gives a crap about Paraguay.

May 30th is the Feast Day of St. Joan, the Patron Saint of France. Let's all commit adultery and surrender to somebody.

June 5th is St. Boniface, of Germany. Get yourself really organized, exterminate some innocents, and annex Czechoslovakia.

June 22 is the feast day for St. Nicetas of Romania. Give your children away.

Doubting Thomas is the Patron Saint of Pakistan. His feast day is July 3rd, so you have two months to get really good at cricket and then blow yourself up.

Saint Rose of Lima's Feast Day is the 23rd of August. She's the Patron Saint of the Philippines, so you have until then to learn "My Way" and then kill a bunch of people.

October 4th is St. Francis of Assisi, Patron of Italy. Go out and steal something.

November 30th is St. Andrew's Day. Andrew the Apostle is the Patron Saint of Russia, so drink vodka until you're silly, embrace political corruption and try to get involved with the meanest gang you possibly can.

December 3rd: St. Francis Xavier. Japan. Two words: Tentacle. Porn.

December 4: Iran. St. Mathuas. Death to America. You know what to do.

December 12th is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe, Patron Saint of Mexico. Stop working.

By the time the new year rolls around you'll be ready for St. Ansgar, patron saint of Sweden, and you'll finally have something to do with all those Allen wrenches.


  1. ...Matt, you make minutes better.

  2. Don't forget getting high and protesting on October 4 (SFoA is also the patron saint of San Francisco).