Monday, July 6, 2009


It was in tears on the steps of the Governor's Mansion that C. Quincy Arberghast, two-time Governor of the Great State of Michigan, revealed to the world and apologized for the disappointment of his life.

"I have been," he confessed, "for the past thirty years, in a committed, monogamous relationship with my wife Carol."

He apologized to floozies. He apologized to hot-tub manufacturers. He apologized to Craigslist Casual Encounters, who could use the good press. He apologized to his fellow lawmakers, who expected him to lead by example. He apologized to cigar makers. He apologized to the Moral Majority. He apologized at length and with deliberate eloquence to the news media, recognizing that without celebrity deaths or celebrity babies or political sex scandals they might actually have to go out and find some actual news, and he apologized to late-night talk-show hosts, since the affair he'd failed to have he'd failed to have with a man, which would have provided surely endless guffaws when paired with the fact that, as a young man, he'd worked years in a meat packing plant.

Carol Arberghast was resolute. She told the reporters they'd get through this. She stood by her man.

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